Let's talk a
bit about mental health.
I have, for
about half of 2017, not taken any time to devote to this blog. That's on me, of
course. The lion's share of time has been devoted to job hunting. This, it
seems, has been tantamount to the search for the mythical creatures like the
unicorn and, in the far northern reaches of my home state, the Hodag. And, much like the
intrepid hunters of these mythological creatures, the alchemists of old, and
the majority of the lemmings in the California and Yukon gold rushes of the
19th century, my searches have come to naught. I have even failed to gain
employment in lower level occupations.
One would
think that I am the most incompetent of job seekers.
That's the
mental illness rearing it's ugly head.
I have
sought the approval of the anonymous figurehead of corporate America. I sought
the approval of those who would not blink an eye at fostering my demise, when,
in fact, I should have focused on gaining approval of my own self. And, in
seeking out the nod of approval of others who have no clue about me as a
person, other than what they could make out of my dreadfully non-linear resume
(which would require a modicum of imagination, and, dare I say,
"work," on the part of recruiters and hiring managers to understand
where my actual strengths lie; but that's a diatribe for another time), and my
in-person and/or telephone interviews, I have engaged in the very definition of
insanity: doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result
every time.
So what is
the resolution? What's the cure? I don't know for sure. I only know that
whatever I have been doing is not working. I have come to the conclusion that
there are a number of things I had feared real yet hoped I would not find to be
true:
1.
As a stereotypical member of the Adult ADD
tribe, I need either someone to tell me what to do or an established framework
within which to work, if I'm to work in an organization. I'm a worker bee, a
drone, a peasant--true to my family heritage going back several generations.
That's painful, in this American culture that praises the most corrupt
businessmen for their creativity and daring-do.
2.
Age bias is indeed a thing, as I learned from my
experience interviewing at a company called Venmo in Chicago: nowhere in the
office was there a person visibly aged above 40, and everywhere in the space
sans walls (that could afford privacy and the ability to concentrate), you
could see millennials riding scooters. The telltale sign was the fact that my
two hiring managers suddenly and coincidentally came down with illnesses that
required them to be absent from the interview, leaving only their leader to
pick up the slack. I interviewed well, but it was a true exercise in futility
because of the simple reason that the rejection email came a scant 48 hours
later--with no requests to meet or speak with the actual aforementioned ailing
hiring managers.
3.
I may have not been fit for life as an
organization man. This, it appears, requires the cunning of a Littlefinger, the
tongue-biting of someone who's goal is not justice for all, but rather rung
climbing for oneself, and a never-ceasing desire to engage in Machiavellian
gamesmanship. I learned that from my erstwhile leader, who answers to an
interesting nickname: The Terminatrix. Never be truthful in the game of office
thrones, that is, unless you don't give a damn anymore.
Three
strikes! I'm out!
But all is
not lost! Here's what I have also discovered:
1.
I have always wanted to be my own boss. I'm just
rather poor at self-discipline in organization and categorizing priorities--an
ADD hallmark.
2.
I've had a taste of what it takes to start one's
business, thanks to my partner Ana. It's like making sausage and laws: the
process is not pretty. But I have overcome the unknown, and now have that
magical framework of experience within which I may work. How? Helping Ana set
up her business (we occasionally slip up and say "our" business). If
I may, here's some shameless marketing promotion: www.youbetterstudio.com
3.
I've come to discover that there are a couple of
ideas worth pursuing to begin the journey of small business entrepreneur.
4.
We've all been corrupted by this notion that we
have to have a sugar-daddy corporate overlord to give us our
"bennies" (benefits). This is a truth, right now, especially in the
bootstrap-pulling bastion of "fuck you" capitalism, the good ol' U.S.
of A. But in America, we're finding that more citizens want that one thing that
guarantees that corporate overlords are going to have a harder time retaining
talent that they've taken for granted all this time: single-payer health
insurance. Put that in place, and the corporations will find two results: a.
people will leave for the chance to make their own way in the world; and they
won't have to wear a yoke of health insurance that keeps them chained to desks
they despise; and b. companies will find that they will be able to generate
more profits because they're not spending exorbitant amounts of money on health
insurance benefits (see Toyota Canada as the example of wisdom--choosing
Ontario over a US state that nearly wanted to pay the entirety of construction
and the first couple of years of overhead to Toyota, in the form of tax breaks;
Toyota played the long game in this, and realized that healthcare was a far
greater financial risk than any benefit the USA could throw at them).
5.
While a greatly reduced income stream (or
non-existent income stream) is a stressor, I have found that I'm able to sleep
easier at night.
6.
I'm finding moments of gratitude. One is: I
don't have to go back to that "place which shall remain nameless" as
I've referred to my ex-employer.
I don't know
how long that will take, but once the beast is awakened, you can't make it
go back to sleep!
So here's
what I know, in a nutshell: know thyself. Period. If I had listened to myself
from the beginning, I would be in a much better place, knowing my place in the
world, instead of relying on comparing my place to others in the world. It sort
of sounds like the essence of 50 Going on 25, no?
Mental
health has a whole lot to do with knowing yourself, and HONORING yourself. Each
and every one of us has a value to this world, this society, this moment. Our
job is not to realize success as it is defined by an ill society (and believe
me, U.S. society is quite ill at the moment). Our job is to realize success as
it is to be us, without costumes, pretenses and agendas.
Take this
for what it's worth. And make the most of it. I hope to be here more often than
the prior half year.
Be well and
make it a great life!
Post script: 2/24/19. Yes, it's been well over one year since I set the proverbial foot back into this realm. I miss this place for my creative, forays into writing. I have assisted my partner with her blogs, but I truly want to resume the world of 50 Going On 25. Keep me honest here, folks. I plan to post at least once per month, but it may be less travelogue and more stream-of-consciousness. Will I make money doing this? If love and desire have a great influence on the money stream, then hell to the yes, I will! Keep coming back. Another thing, the aforementioned “Terminatrix” was herself “Terminated” not long after I posted this back in 2017. The universe, it seems, is not without a sense of irony, justice and humor.
And feel
free to visit www.youbetterstudio.com and
the blog there: https://www.youbetterstudio.com/blog.
If you are in Southeastern Wisconsin, we (actually, Ana) would love to
have you come visit for a workout or a consultation!
